I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
