4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize