I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You ruined the universe
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
