Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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