I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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