Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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