It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
