i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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