I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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