Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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