i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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