Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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