you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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