I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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