A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
