Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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