so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
