im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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