any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize