I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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