It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I still have a little drunk in my system
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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