Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
