My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Barsexuality is the new black.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Randomize
