i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
the condom got lost in my hair
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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