my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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