Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
