Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize