he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
