your thong is hanging out like whoa
my phone needs a breathalizer
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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