you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
