so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
