Need sex. Gaining weight.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
