so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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