I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
