I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
