First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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