Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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