i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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