I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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