She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
