I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Hippo gnu deer
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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