Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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