My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
