OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
