Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
