i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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