the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
