sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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