so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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