she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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