She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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