birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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