Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize