Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
only you would photoshop your dick
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
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