I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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