this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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