New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
