Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
